Moments with Oliver.

Recently I have been telling myself that I have to do something out of my comfort zone while I still can; something I am able to consider an achievement in life. I received an email from a huge (and I mean, HUGE) local theatre company yesterday. They will be holding open auditions next month, for the third instalment of a relatively well-known trilogy (no, it's not the Singaporean version of LOTR :p), and when I read that they were looking for someone to play an 18-year-old "Sylvia", my heart sort of skipped a beat.

I first questioned myself if 24-year-old me could play a teenager, and I figured that I probably could [check]. I have to prepare a monologue not more than five minutes [check]. Play season from July 12 to 29 [check]. But I read on, and they stated that rehearsals would commence on June 4 - during the exam period and thesis submission in Melbourne, i.e. I won't be around [cross]. And that one cross was already enough to make it impossible to try.

But above everything else, and even if this thing fits well into my schedule, I am terrified of not making the cut; of rejection. In my first year at university four years ago, I tried my luck at the auditions for an upcoming musical - I had to read a couple of lines and sing a song. They thought I was good, or so it seemed, and I got a role eventually, but it turned out that I was to play a certain "Reporter A" (I didn't even have a name, WTF) with not more than five lines and three minutes onstage. It was a huge, huge letdown, not because I wanted to be one of the five leading ladies, but because it puzzled me that they had to hold an audition for someone to play bloody "Reporter A". To me, it seemed like "Hmm she is not bad but she isn't quite what we are looking for, but then we should let her at least do something yes?... oh right, Reporter A!!!!"

I decided to give it a try initially, just to see how playing this "Reporter A" would turn out. It was a complete and utter waste of my time, because even though that scene was puny and I only had three bloody minutes onstage, I had to be around for rehearsals all the damn time, and for some reason they just didn't realise that it was such an insignificant scene and therefore it should be rehearsed FIRST, if not less often. I found myself spending a longer time WAITING for that scene to be rehearsed than actually reciting those lines. It was frustrating, and this is going to sound arrogant but it was a total waste of whatever acting talent I had :p

I quit the production eventually because I just couldn't be bothered anymore. A few months later I went to watch the production as an audience, and to my utmost horror I saw that they had gotten one of the backup dancers to play "Reporter A". It was quite hilarious in a way, but ouch it did hurt a little. It was a role that anyone could play, I swear. Like I told my mum (hello Darren! :p), they could have just grabbed someone from the crew on the morning of the musical and the person would have done an excellent job anyway. But I got the role through an audition. An AUDITION!!!!!!! -_-

So yes, that is my history. A part of me wants to give this one a go, but if I won't be around for rehearsals anyway, I might as well give it up. I am a bag of nerves in front of strangers, I have no professional acting experience, no performance training, and I am a bespectacled, grossly overweight midget. 18-year-old Sylvia, whom I imagine is tall, slim and beautiful with long flowing locks and killer legs... is not me.

Sylvia is not me, and I am not Sylvia.

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history
Would you feel the same?

Rachael Yamagata - Quiet.