If only.

Dearest Wei,

If only you realised the importance, and fragility of, life and living.
If only you knew that there is always a solution to every problem in this world.
If only you knew that you shouldn't have taken things into your own hands.
If only you knew that you don't always have to listen to the voice inside your head.
If only you told me you were having a problem.
If only you thought about how much your family loves you.
If only you thought about how much I love you.

If only... we didn't lose you this morning.

I don't know why I am coming online to blog, when such a thing has happened to my family. According to the book, I probably should be crying my eyes out, staring into space, or even remaining in denial. Whatever. Maybe I just need a channel to let it all out - a channel to tell Wei what I think and feel. Fifteen years after he came into our lives, he decided to say goodbye - without a note, without a phone call, without an sms. Without anything.

When I went out just now, I looked around and wondered to myself how strange it was that the rest of the world continued going about its daily activites - people talking, laughing, running their businesses with a cheerful smile on their faces - whereas my world had seemingly stopped since 0515 this morning.

My dear Wei, why did you leave without saying goodbye? Didn't we just have loads of fun at Grandma's birthday 4 days ago? Didn't we enjoy taking pictures together using Ichi's phone? Didn't you look like the normal, happy you? It's unfair to do so, Wei. It's a terribly selfish thing to do. Why did you choose to leave this world with so many things left unaccomplished? Your family, your friends, your future? Do you know how heartwrenching it was for us to hear Grandma brace herself to say, "Let's take it that he went for a holiday..." when she was the one who probably needed the most comfort?

I have yet to come to terms with what you did, you silly boy. It's like a sudden void was created inside me. I feel like rushing straight to the hospital now, give you a hard smack on the back, and scream at you to wake up. Wake up right now. You have to wake up, Wei. We all have to wake up - wake up as though this is just a bad dream.

And much as I'd hate to forgive you, I hope and pray that if there were to be a chance for you to be reincarnated, reborn, or whatever... please, I beg you... do come back to our family. Come back to us.

Wei, no matter what you've done, the whole family still loves you very much. And we always will.

You know that more than anything else, don't you?

Now I miss you more than I
Missed you before and now
Where I'll find comfort
God knows?
Cos you left me
Just when I needed you most.

Randy Vanwarmer - Just when I needed you most.